yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
