i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
should my penis look like a turkey
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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