Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
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