i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
