she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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