There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
