moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
