i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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