If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
