and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
