The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
