So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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