I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
