There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
