I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
