I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You were trust falling into bushes
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
