The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
