when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
