I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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