last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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