I hate all girls vehemently.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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