Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
