The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
