Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm jealous of your bromance
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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