get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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