Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
