I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
