I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
