put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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