I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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