i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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