I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
