I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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