I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
