Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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