I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
