I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
