I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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