...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
