i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You ruined the universe
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
