You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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