there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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