If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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