Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
