those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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