we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize