You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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