I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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