Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
