Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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