My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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