I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
