i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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