fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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