I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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