I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
