My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
