My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize